Some people I know might be wondering why I suddenly forced myself to a vacation. When it seems I just got back from Port Barton a few weeks ago and should be concentrating on my work. Little did the people around me the noticed the mental strain I am experiencing, and for a while I have been thinking of El Nido, not really to go on tours and feel touristic but simply walk the streets I once loved and stare at the karst mountain I once use as my “gateway to focus” during my meditation sessions at El Nido Beach during the afternoons of 2013. It feels like the town was calling me, not to be single and ready to mingle but see and appreciate the progress of the small town and appreciate the beauty of what is left as “natural and unspoiled.” Well also if possible to meet someone interesting, but that would hardly be my intent, if so I wouldn’t have brought a “male” friend of mine, David.
I am forcing sanity back in my life. My mediocre success online as a writer and marketer has caused me to live in a bubble that makes me feel inorganic. I feel like all my materials are just spins of my previously written content although I put effort and mind into it. I have the passion, I have the skills, but I lack the creativity recently. I even had dreams about the topics I need to write, I woke up 4 times dreaming of my titles, headings and subheadings, that is when I know I needed a time off, whether or not my clients would see it as necessary or not.
So I decided to spend on a trip that I know would have me stretching a few hundred dollars for weeks when I get back and just experience a few drunken crazy nights or splurge on wine and beer. Well, mostly wine. As what my friend in New York told me, strong Philippine beer gets me bipolar or any other drink besides wine. So I stick with wine.
Today is my last day, I have to let my friend leave a day early because he seems to be missing Puerto Princesa and his work. While I could’ve gone with him I yet pushed myself to stay for another day to give me a much-needed alone time. Maybe when the sun begins to set, I will take myself by the beach and talk to the sea, wind, earth and sky. Maybe I can hear their voices again and be able to save me from misunderstanding my life. I am so focused to wanting to be successful that I seem to have once again triggered my saboteur within.
I am not lost, I know exactly who I am. But my question at this point in time is, “How can I be better?”