Taming the Unhappy Thoughts – Attentional Lapses

I cannot do this anymore! Yes, one word at a time and I shall be able to compose something for myself. For me. Just for me. Forget those pages written for a client. Those disinteresting research of a particular property for sale overseas. Endless words spun into a sentence to impress a client waiting for me on skype. Forget about them! Stop! Therefore, I did. I refocused my creative energy to design, templates and others, and yet I knew that my strongest sellable items are my words. However, no one reads anymore. They like videos.

Well that last statement is just wrong. I just downloaded a few eBooks and has been reading a lot recently. To fill the gap between my client cancellations. My income has dropped from a few thousand dollars to absolute – nothing, – at times. The career I so creatively built over the past few years crumbled because of one stupid decision, a move to a hosting company who never really cared. I got lost because of these distractions and thankfully, I am not as stupid as I was younger when I allowed distractions to linger longer.

I know there are thousands of possible clients waiting on me to take a job they offer. Instead, I focused on the impossible, to rehabilitate my status on a niche that is too crazy for me to handle anyway.

To fill in the distraction I clouded my mind with unnecessary ideas, one is falling so deeply in the spiral hole called YouTube and the other, read one book at a time. To be honest, the books have nothing to do with my business, or career. They are not even bestsellers. Just some weird books floating around the web readily available to a bored person like me to consume. In addition, the best part is, they are not related to attentional lapses or empowering the creative mind to be more productive, which is something I badly needed. It is after all, a distraction. I picked the right ones.

Then, come this moment at around 11PM on a Tuesday of May after noticing that this bulbous plant I have and accused of being unable to produce blooms shoots a stalk ready to blossom. In an area of deprived light, deprived water and in a very crowded pot, she was able to bloom. I felt ashamed. I accused a perfectly focused plant of being unproductive, yet it was I who was romping around the house and a few places in town who were so out of touch of who I am. The plant knew what it was doing, and surviving the harsh conditions I chose for it. But what about me? I chose to refocus and blame the world around me.

Yet I am not a plant. I am sentient. I possess not the consciousness of a bulb. In addition, that actually got me into deeper thinking. If such being without the sentient consciousness can just be, why can’t I? My inattentiveness is not caused by my mind filled with work in the past few months, nor is it a result of lack of work in the current times. My inattentiveness is caused by other ideas. Ideas delivering me to greater expansion.

Unlike a plant, I cannot be immobile, growth requires movement, for my roots are the energy I cast across space. Birthing a new “me,” similar to a mother birthing a child, requires a painful episode of labor. I am giving birth to a new me. Therefore, the painful experience is required.

So I am not like the plant after all and should not compare myself to one. And this piece is just another crappy piece I composed. Alternatively, maybe it is not? All I know is that I am becoming a lot better, each passing day.